So this is fear.
First, things start to tremble a little bit. The fingers, the hands. Then the legs start getting rubbery. Your heart starts beating so hard that it seems to be trying to escape out of your chest. At this point, you are in full panic mode. You start gasping for air as you start breathing harder and faster. And them everything freezes and you can't move. Tears start slipping down your cheeks and you think to yourself - funny.. I'm not sad about anything..
After it is all over, there is no feeling of pride in having conquered a fear. There is only a deep gratitude that it's over and an overwhelming sence of humiliation. Because deep inside, you know you haven't conquered a fear: you have only survived it. It will be there, waiting for you, ready to consume you the next time you dare again..
There are people in this world who are "thrill seekers". I know what they are looking for. I have it in great excess. If I could bottle up a little piece of what I feel, there would be no need for people to bungee-jump, sky-dive, or any other of the ways people like to hurtle their bodies through space at great speeds and heights - they could simply take a little bit of my fear and be satisfied and I could be a gazillionaire who isn't paralyzed by stupid stuff.
~mom
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