Odds

The coin is in the air. 70% chance of heads; 30% chance of tails. The coin flips as it makes its trip through the air. Time is almost standing still in anticipation. It will land sometime between tomorrow and August 2 and then I will know: heads I'm healthy; tails I have breast cancer. 

May 18 I had a routine mammogram. 

Confession: I should have had this mammogram back in November. But I was busy. And I was stressed to the max under a burden of volunteer work. And the weather was terrible. And the days were short. And while mammograms are hardly invasive, scary, painful, challenging, nerve-wracking, and there is really no excuse, it's not like it's a barrel of laughs getting your girls squeeze and why bother getting it done on the first possible day when I've been poked and prodded through numerous orifices looking for signs of cancer that have never had so much as a hint of finding anything. Why did I make excuses?

A routine mammogram just like every other routine mammogram I have ever had. And there have been numerous. No big deal. A couple of weeks later, I get a phone call telling me I need to come back for more screening. The appointment is set for July 9. The timing works perfectly. The busy softball season wraps July 8. July 9, for our family, summer can officially being. 

I've been recalled after a mammogram before and I'm pretty confident. I have dense breasts and sometimes it's hard to see stuff. So I go back to the clinic and get my girls squeezed a second time. Big deal. 

They took 2 different kinds of images: each girl had its own problems. That should have been my first clue. I completely missed it. When the technician came back, she gave me the good news first: everything on the left was clear. Then came the news I wasn't expecting: the right side needed further investigation. 

The technician was ever so lovely and reassuring. You have microcalcifications. They are common. Normal, even. Especially for women as they get older. Nothing to worry about. Perfectly benign. But. If there was a 98% chance of good news, they'd send me home with an All Clear. But once the numbers dip to 95% chance then they just want to exercise an abundance of caution and do a core biopsy. Totally routine. Pretty much painless. Not invasive. Nothing to worry about. Just to be sure. Please come back August 9. The day before our family heads into the mountains for 3 days of hiking and backcountry camping. Not the best timing, but not the worst either. Not that I told them all that. I just said see you in August. I didn't notice that the technician never said "you". "You" have a 95% chance. Only numbers. Nothing personal. 

I went home feeling pretty confident. I've had a biopsy before. It was easy. It was only good news. It would be a month before the biopsy. Surely if they were worried, they'd want me to get a biopsy done much sooner. Then the phone rang and they moved my appointment to August 3. No big deal. The timing would work well with our family schedule. Probably better than August 9. And then the phone rang again. There has been a cancellation and we'd like you to come in July 20. Three days before my Big Run of Juan de Fuca. Sure. That timing would work. July 20. Exactly 3 days away. I hung up the phone thinking isn't it nice that they put me on a cancellation list so I can go on with summer and trying not to think about why it's me on the cancellation list when there are probably more worrisome cases walking through the clinic door on a daily basis..

I like numbers and so I looked it up. Sure enough, microcalcifations are normal and nothing to worry about. Unless they present in certain patterns. I thought I had only one microcalcifiaction. Maybe I only heard the word "one" when she said the word "some". Or maybe when she was busy downplaying the need for a biopsy, she was busy writing in my chart: "warning, warning, warning".

The biopsy wasn't a big deal and yet it WAS. It was invasive. They put a big grinding needle into the middle of my breast. It wasn't painful until the numbing wore off but none the less, as the needle went in and the machine made all its grinding noises, I felt a wound opening. 

The bruise is a pretty shade of yellow. There will be small scar. Much smaller than the scar I feel in a place far deeper inside myself. The part of me that is trying to reconcile the what-if. The part of me that knows that as much as the technician played down the need for this biopsy, the reality is that 30-40% of women will get bad news.  There is a 60-70% chance that won't happen to me. 

The coin is in the air. It flips end over end. It is going to land soon. I'm strong. I can do this. Can you pass me a tissue? For some reason, my eyes are wet..

Summer 2017

So it's summer. Finally. Should be the best 10 weeks of the year but it isn't. Why? Because my MOM..

Everyone knows all teenagers want to do is hang out at home playing vids, watching YouTube, and texting friends. But my mom has all these RULES. Like we have to have device-free hours. Are you kidding me?? And she expects us to go outside. Everyday! Torture!!

The only good thing about my mom is that she's totally addicted to her device. That means I get more electronics time than she says I should. I "help" her - playing Pokemon Go and teaching her how to use Instagram. 

That might have been a mistake. Instagram, I mean. She's into posting pictures of me with embarrassing hashtags. Oh my god! My MOM! Torture!!

.. really this blog is all about how I'm going to survive..

How to get your Work Done

July 11, 2016

I have a MOUNTAIN of work to do.  To do, there is:
- laundry
- dish mountain
- dress-up box sorting
- kid memory box sorting
- camping list making
- grocery shopping
- dinner making
- bed making (I am washing all beds and making up spare beds)

The mountain is so big, I can hardly find the energy to get started.  But if I don't start, I'll NEVER get done!  So here are a few strategies I use to chip away at the work:
- start with something small and manageable (like laundry sorting)
- start a job and don't think about how big it is (this worked for the dress-up box sorting)
- once a job is done, give yourself a little reward before moving on (like sorting Lego to find missing pieces)
- lump jobs together into units (like load the laundry, bring the kids to the movie, and grocery shop)
- play a pod-cast while you do the no-fun work (like dish mountain)
- cut up a big job into smaller pieces (like kid memory box sorting)

Before you know it, you will be well on your way to getting all your work done.  So far I have:
- done (most of) the laundry
- finished sorting out the dress-up box
- grocery shopping
- half of dish mountain
- started kid memory box sorting
- made 1 bed completely and washed 2 more

Now I am doing what I do best: time wasting.  I will stop writing my blog and work on Dish Mountain part II.  Happy working!

~mom

I Must!

July 7, 2016

I need to run.  Yes, I have been doing my Daily Mile all summer but that changes nothing.  I need to run.  Far.

I am trying to remember that this month, I am working on NOT running.  I am working on becoming STRONG.  I am doing my Daily Mile and my Daily Strength Routine.  It is a pain in the butt.  Seriously.  My butt is hurting..

 I hope that all the hard work I am doing now is going to help me like crazy this fall.  Yes, I've just set a personal best in the half-marathon distance.  But that doesn't mean I'll be jogging from now on.  I'm still curious about how fast I can be.  I just need a little bit of rest before I start working hard again.  Rest.  The hardest part of achieving my goals.  Speaking of rest, the clock reads 11:10pm.  Maybe I should go to bed??

~mom

Hello Summer!

Right. So it's summer again. School is out (cue the crying) and the kids are home. What will we do? How will we survive? Two months is a long, long time...

~mom

The Inexperienced Puppy-Owner's Guide to Getting a Puppy

04 February 2016

So we decided to get a puppy.  Our very first puppy.  Our very first dog.  Period.  It'll be great, right?  Puppy snuggles and super-cuteness that grows into a calm, fun-loving, delightful companion.  Right?

Right?

Not exactly..

This is the story of what getting a puppy is like when you've NEVER had a dog before.  EVER.  Today I'll start with a few myths that have been quickly dispelled..


MYTH #1: Puppies are soft and cuddly

Yes.  Yes, they are.  But they come with razor-sharp teeth and claws.  When you pet them, they will nip at you, bite you, and jump all over you.  Remember NEVER to wear good clothes around your puppy because your puppy will bite holes in them and put mud and dirt all over them.  Your puppy might not be too keen to be cuddled.  My puppy gets very nippy during cuddle sessions.  NOT fun!  And accessories?  Forget about it!  Dangling necklaces and ear rings are potentials for real disaster!

MYTH #2: My friend has a puppy that never had an accident in the house

This friend is a liar.  Or has selective memory.  Or is just dog-gone lucky  Puppies do NOT come house broken.  They will PEE and POOP all over whatever space you allow them into.  Think carefully - do you want that puppy on your rug? No?  Make sure your puppy NEVER has access to the rug.  Once your puppy PEES on your rug, he will happily PEE there again.  You think you can watch them like a hawk and catch them before they have an accident.  You can try, but even hawks have to blink every once in a while..

MYTH #3: Puppies sleep a lot

Okay - that's kind of true.  But when they are awake, they are AWAKE.  And you will get NOTHING done.  That's because your puppy will suck every minute of your time.  If you are not paying attention to your puppy, your puppy will start to bark/bite/jump/pee/poop to force to you pay attention to him.  Sure, eventually your puppy will be tired.  After you've taken him to potty, walked him, played with him, fed him, tried to teach him not to jump on you, taken him to potty again, walked him some more, cleaned him up after he got himself all muddy, rescued your shoes/books/computer cord/newspaper/jacket/leash from his mouth, played with him, fed him..  You can put him in his crate and finally have a few moments to go to the bathroom, get yourself a snack, and just like that - he'll be awake and need to be taken out for a potty break and it all starts again..

MYTH #4: Puppies love kids

How about "Puppies love TO JUMP ALL OVER kids"?  That's what my puppy likes to do.  And nip at them.  Endlessly.  My puppy completely disrespects my kids.  He eats their pants/shirt/shoe laces.  He listens selectively to them (he'll do a nice "sit" ONLY if the kids have a treat AND he happens to feel like it).  Mostly, he just likes to jump all over them.  How do you teach puppies to respect kids?  If only I knew..

MYTH #5: Reward-based training is the best way to curb unwanted puppy behaviour

You want your puppy not to jump up?  Ignore him when he jumps and reward the heck out of "4 paws on the ground".  Soon, he won't want to jump since he is only rewarded when he *doesn't* jump.  It's a great theory.  We've been working hard on it.  Every day.  The problem is, you can reward the heck out of him for 4 paws on the ground.  But the next thing you know, puppy has been rewarded with his entire breakfast and you now have nothing to reward him with.  What happens?  Puppy jumps up.  So you turn and ignore him.  What does he do?  He pees on your floor..

MYTH #6: You need to teach puppies to use a "soft mouth"

Right.  When my puppy has that wild, crazy look on his face and his teeth are snapping left, right, and centre, I'm keeping my hands the heck out of the way.  Actually, I'm keeping my whole self away.  Crazy dog!  Trying to teach a "soft mouth" involves actually letting him bite you.  And guess what? that HURTS!  I'm trying to teach my puppy not to bite at all.  When I finally figure out how to do that, I'll let you know.  For now, the daily chomp-fest continues..

MYTH #7: You need patience and a sense of humour

Patience is a virtue.  Your puppy will test that virtue again and again and again and again..  Just like that, you'll find your sense of humour flying out the window.  Never mind patience and a sense of humour.  What you need is a good support group!

MYTH #8: Enjoy the puppy phase - it passes far too quickly

Before I got my puppy, I dreamed of a companion.  With whom I share a mutual love and respect.  To have fun with.  To relax with.  To hang out with.  To run with.  To have fun with.  Where is this animal?  And does he really live somewhere inside my puppy??  One day when I'm saying this to someone else, please remind me that puppies are A LOT of work.  That they destroy your stuff.  They test your patience.  And right now, that puppy phase can't pass quickly enough..


MYTH #9: Spray Bitter Apple on anything you don't want your puppy to chew

It's true - my puppy HATES Bitter Apple spray.  It has worked great on baseboards, table legs and chairs.  But you can empty an entire bottle of Bitter Apple spray but he will NOT stop eating your shoes!

MYTH #10: Having a puppy is like having a baby

I had a couple of babies.  That was hard.  Having a puppy is hard too.  Both puppies and babies throw your life upside down.  But here's the thing: you have a certain amount of natural instinct when it comes to raising your offspring.  With a dog, all your instincts are WRONG.  Your puppy does NOT appreciate being patted on the head (that's a sure way to get him to nip at you).  When he is scared, you do NOT want to cuddle him because otherwise, he'll be EVEN MORE SCARED next time.  When he jumps on you, do NOT force him forward with your knee/take a step backward/say "down"/react in any way because you are reinforcing his behaviour with your reaction.  But if you do nothing, you are telling the dog that he is welcome to invade your space whenever he feels like it.  Books - could you please agree on how to MAKE THIS PUPPY STOP JUMPING?  I digress.  Do NOT rely on your instincts.


The long and short of it is - having a puppy in your life means saying "goodbye" to the life you once knew.  You are now the proud owner of a destructive creature with no impulse control.  Puppies are HARD!

So this is puppyhood..

Jan 31, 2016

They're so CUTE - right?  Little fur balls with bright eyes and wagging tails.  So much FUN!  And it is.  Somewhat.  But there is definitely another side of puppy-hood that is far more challenging..

Puppies need to pee and poop A LOT.  We take our puppy outside and he happily pees.  Pooping, however, is NOT his favourite.  We can never reward him for pooping because:
1. He will get super anxious and aggressive before he poops.  However, this behaviour looks EXACTLY THE SAME as playful puppy.  The next thing you know, he is squatting and doing his thing in the house.  That's NOT going to get a reward..
2. He seems to be embarrassed about pooping.  When outside, he won't look at you while he does his business.  He will often interrupt himself from pooping and doesn't finish the job.  You can't reward him for the little bit he pooped because he is busy running away..
3. If you try to reward him in any way WHILE he is doing his business, he will STOP doing his business and run off in the opposite direction.  This just means he will poop AGAIN - possibly once he gets in the house!

We've given up trying to reward "good pooping" - it's just not working!

On the other hand, puppy will pee quite happily on demand and loves getting treats for when he is done.  Great - right?  Mostly, it IS great.  However, there are a few pee pitfalls:
1. He doesn't pee everything out.  That means even if he has just peed, he might pee again once he is in the house.
2. For a while, we would take him outside as soon as he peed in the house.  Suddenly, the number of pee accidents increased A LOT.  I'm not sure if he has figured out that when he wants a treat, he pees on the floor, gets taken outside where he can pee again, and then get rewarded with a treat!
3. He seems to have more pee accidents in the evening.  I don't know if it happens because he is tired.  I'm wondering if in the evening, he needs to spend more time in his crate to break this little habit of peeing in the house multiple times every evening..

Puppy LOVES to play.  Fantastic, right?  WRONG!  One moment, you are playing with puppy and the next moment, he BITES you.  NOT FUN!  We've tried lots of things to try to keep him from nipping and biting:
1. Redirecting (giving him a chew toy to bite on) - this works sometimes, but not very reliably.  He might start chewing on the chew toy and suddenly lunge for your hands..
2. Rewarding for settling down - this works a little bit.  He LOVES the clicker and will calm himself quite well while you still have treats.  Then he curls up in your lap and you think - great, I've done it!  Just then, he lunges for your shirt..
3. "NO!" - this is what I've been told not to do.  How can you help yourself, though?  He is nipping, biting, lunging - all with a crazy look in his eyes.  He does seem to know that "NO" means "your current behaviour is unacceptable".  However, a moment later, he goes right back to what he was doing and your shirt (or pants) are right back in his mouth..
4. Ignoring - this NEVER works.  You just end up with holes in your shirt..
5. Time-out (i.e. jumping out of the playpen) - works GREAT!  Every time!  However, the moment you enter the play pen again and re-engage, he goes straight back to the nipping and biting.

AAUURRGGHH!!!

Today, he managed to put his most challenging behaviours together.  He nipped and bit.  I redirected him, I ignored him, I "good dog"ed him when he quit, I played with appropriate toys with him, and yet he STILL decided I (and my clothes) was a way better play-toy than anything else.  Things escalated until he jumped up and bit me in the face.  OUCH!  I wasn't seriously hurt, but it was extremely frightening and DEFINITELY hurt my feelings.  I jumped out of the play pen super-fast.  As soon as my back was turned, he pooped all over the kitchen floor..


...Does anyone want a puppy??